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Do you think honesty is really the best policy when it comes to relationships? Is total honesty possible, let alone desirable?
I think that if it's not, that relationship is a dangerous one. I want to be able to trust a partner well enough to be honest about everything. I don't want ugly surprises after I've made a commitment only to find out something I don't think anything of revealing turns out to be a deal-breaker. I'm up front about anything that I'm actually aware of on getting into a relationship.

Think about this: if you're willing to lie to get someone for your lover, then who is it she loves? You or this lie, this fiction you created?

The best relationships I've ever had began with the kind of trusting friendships where she did know everything before it turned romantic.

Keep in mind though, that I'm not into traditional American male infidelity. I suppose unfaithful guys lie about it and that gets taken for granted. Yet all too often I've seen them get burned bad once it's found out.

If you want an open relationship, get that on the table before making the commitment. Let her know it's cool and don't expect a double standard -- you have to be willing to set up a new type of rules to make that work. Casual interests should never become so important they threaten the main relationship, for one thing. For another, disease prevention is not just about you but also the one you love.

So maybe I can sit on my high horse about honesty because I've always been faithful when in a monogamous relationship. Or maybe I've just been so upfront about it that I was able to enjoy open relationships as such too. I don't get jealous of casual flings because that's not usually why people break up. They break up over other issues and the fling might be some kind of deliberate malice or just the temptation of someone who's being nicer to you than your partner is at the moment because she or he is courting.

It's not worth it having to keep up with the lies. It's not worth it having to keep up with the relationships either if a guy gets tangled up between wife and mistress, because that second relationship could also develop into something deeper but then everyone's going to be in a bad situation.

So I would say, be honest -- and then look for someone honest. You get what you give.

Stop and think about how you'd feel if you were in a deep relationship and found out she was the one lying about something that'd break your heart, be that infidelity or something else.
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Robert A. Sloan, author of Raven Dance

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